My blithe resolve.

Time flies.

It’s been awhile since I’ve posted. It’s not that I’ve lost the urge to write at all, it’s that I’ve been so busy with life lately that I’ve literally not had the time to do so. So, in an attempt to summarize the epic craziness that has been my life over the last few months or so, I’ll outline the highlights of what I’ve been up to:

- I took my first trip to NYC, and the city was amazing - I got to see a lot of the touristy stuff so that the next time I go I can really seek out the more off-the-beaten-path stuff.

- I have cleaned up my home to the point of living an essentially minimalistic lifestyle, which lends itself well to taking care of the rest of my debt, mortgage and student loans excluded.

- I ran my second 10K (the Bolder Boulder) in record time for me (I averaged an 11 minute mile), and my calves killed me for a week following.

- I bought my second motorcycle, an ‘04 Honda 919. He is green, black and blue, and his name is Gimble.

- I’ve started a fairly serious relationship with the guy I mentioned here months ago (the one who really listens to me). He’s wonderful, and this is the easiest relationship (and probably the most healthy relationship) I’ve ever been in.

- I started homebrewing (finally, as I’ve been wanting to brew for a couple years now) and just finished my first beer, a porter. I’ve still got to design a label for it though…

- I’m studying for my Net+ certification now and will soon begin studying with the Networking team at work so I can move into a more lucrative position someday soon.

- I am for probably the first time in years, happy with where I’m at and what I’m doing. I’m very nearly completely content with me. It’s a lovely feeling, contentedness with oneself.

All that said, time flies. The last time I really was able to wax philosophic over my life’s happenings it seems it was the beginning of the year, and now here we are, half-way through ‘11. I’m hoping that the rest of the year goes as smoothly and sees as many obstacles overcome and successes realized.


Re·fine·ment:
1. The process of removing impurities or unwanted elements from a substance.
I finally began the process of mindfully refining myself over a year ago…but like all good habits, it took months of practice and actively thinking about applying it to my life on a regular basis to have them take hold and have a noticeable effect. The substance in this application is my daily existence itself…the elements in this case are other people, and various impurities (bad foods, beverages, cigarettes…). Once I could analyze what it is that’s truly impure and necessary of removal, it was easy to determine what’s unwanted and in turn, unnecessary.
2. The improvement or clarification of something by the making of small changes.
Once I could identify who and what were clouding my life and my approach to things in general, it was easy to slowly start to alter my behavior and decision making so that I could begin the next day even just a step closer to being happier, healthier. It takes quite awhile to improve though, especially when I couldn’t see the small changes as they were happening, due to my own stubbornness or lack of concern and denial for what exactly it is that needs to be improved upon. Small steps - it’s *all* in the small steps.
3. Cultured elegance in behavior or manner.
Once the cloudiness cleared a bit and I could identify what needed to be weeded out, it’s also easy to discern what could then in turn enhance my life in any small way…enjoying learning something new, mindfully choosing a better beverage or food, pursuing a worthwhile challenge, enjoying the small blissful moments I might have otherwise overlooked or thought were unimportant. Again, it’s all in the small steps. Sometimes it’s the smallest of things that make for the most elegant of moments.
4. Sophisticated and superior good taste.
This is the epitome of my personal refinement. After all else is weighed out and judged mindfully, sophistication naturally occurs…I’m on the cusp of this, I can feel it. I wake up happier day by day, I look forward to things and approach even the more challenging times with a blissful determination. Having good taste is easy, if I have the good sense to guide it. And like with all else, good sense comes from constant clarity, a calm and hopeful approach to things in general, and a blithe resolve to do and see better than I had the day before.  Hence: I choose my path, every single step of it is my choice, and mine alone - and I can’t let that be overwhelming in any sense - because I’m not going to become lost, ever, as I believe that there are no wrong roads to anywhere. I am my own lodestar.
“Begin to imagine what the desirable outcome would be like. Go over these mental pictures and delineate details and refinements. Play them over and over to yourself.” —Maxwell Maltz  …and then act upon those thoughts, and live in those moments, because those moments and the actions that result from those moments become the very things that we are made of.

Re·fine·ment:

1. The process of removing impurities or unwanted elements from a substance.

I finally began the process of mindfully refining myself over a year ago…but like all good habits, it took months of practice and actively thinking about applying it to my life on a regular basis to have them take hold and have a noticeable effect. The substance in this application is my daily existence itself…the elements in this case are other people, and various impurities (bad foods, beverages, cigarettes…). Once I could analyze what it is that’s truly impure and necessary of removal, it was easy to determine what’s unwanted and in turn, unnecessary.

2. The improvement or clarification of something by the making of small changes.

Once I could identify who and what were clouding my life and my approach to things in general, it was easy to slowly start to alter my behavior and decision making so that I could begin the next day even just a step closer to being happier, healthier. It takes quite awhile to improve though, especially when I couldn’t see the small changes as they were happening, due to my own stubbornness or lack of concern and denial for what exactly it is that needs to be improved upon. Small steps - it’s *all* in the small steps.

3. Cultured elegance in behavior or manner.

Once the cloudiness cleared a bit and I could identify what needed to be weeded out, it’s also easy to discern what could then in turn enhance my life in any small way…enjoying learning something new, mindfully choosing a better beverage or food, pursuing a worthwhile challenge, enjoying the small blissful moments I might have otherwise overlooked or thought were unimportant. Again, it’s all in the small steps. Sometimes it’s the smallest of things that make for the most elegant of moments.

4. Sophisticated and superior good taste.

This is the epitome of my personal refinement. After all else is weighed out and judged mindfully, sophistication naturally occurs…I’m on the cusp of this, I can feel it. I wake up happier day by day, I look forward to things and approach even the more challenging times with a blissful determination. Having good taste is easy, if I have the good sense to guide it. And like with all else, good sense comes from constant clarity, a calm and hopeful approach to things in general, and a blithe resolve to do and see better than I had the day before. Hence: I choose my path, every single step of it is my choice, and mine alone - and I can’t let that be overwhelming in any sense - because I’m not going to become lost, ever, as I believe that there are no wrong roads to anywhere. I am my own lodestar.

“Begin to imagine what the desirable outcome would be like. Go over these mental pictures and delineate details and refinements. Play them over and over to yourself.” —Maxwell Maltz …and then act upon those thoughts, and live in those moments, because those moments and the actions that result from those moments become the very things that we are made of.


The Egg.

I just came across this on the ‘net, and thought it was neat; it made me think, and some of the thoughts I’d had once or twice before. Who are we to know what’s going on behind the scenes, so to speak? Enjoy.

The Egg

By: Andy Weir

You were on your way home when you died.

It was a car accident. Nothing particularly remarkable, but fatal nonetheless. You left behind a wife and two children. It was a painless death. The EMTs tried their best to save you, but to no avail. Your body was so utterly shattered you were better off, trust me.

And that’s when you met me.

“What… what happened?” You asked. “Where am I?”

“You died,” I said, matter-of-factly. No point in mincing words.

“There was a… a truck and it was skidding…”

“Yup,” I said.

“I… I died?”

“Yup. But don’t feel bad about it. Everyone dies,” I said.

You looked around. There was nothingness. Just you and me. “What is this place?” You asked. “Is this the afterlife?”

“More or less,” I said.

“Are you god?” You asked.

“Yup,” I replied. “I’m God.”

“My kids… my wife,” you said.

“What about them?”

“Will they be all right?”

“That’s what I like to see,” I said. “You just died and your main concern is for your family. That’s good stuff right there.”

You looked at me with fascination. To you, I didn’t look like God. I just looked like some man. Or possibly a woman. Some vague authority figure, maybe. More of a grammar school teacher than the almighty.

“Don’t worry,” I said. “They’ll be fine. Your kids will remember you as perfect in every way. They didn’t have time to grow contempt for you. Your wife will cry on the outside, but will be secretly relieved. To be fair, your marriage was falling apart. If it’s any consolation, she’ll feel very guilty for feeling relieved.”

“Oh,” you said. “So what happens now? Do I go to heaven or hell or something?”

“Neither,” I said. “You’ll be reincarnated.”

“Ah,” you said. “So the Hindus were right,”

“All religions are right in their own way,” I said. “Walk with me.”

You followed along as we strode through the void. “Where are we going?”

“Nowhere in particular,” I said. “It’s just nice to walk while we talk.”

“So what’s the point, then?” You asked. “When I get reborn, I’ll just be a blank slate, right? A baby. So all my experiences and everything I did in this life won’t matter.”

“Not so!” I said. “You have within you all the knowledge and experiences of all your past lives. You just don’t remember them right now.”

I stopped walking and took you by the shoulders. “Your soul is more magnificent, beautiful, and gigantic than you can possibly imagine. A human mind can only contain a tiny fraction of what you are. It’s like sticking your finger in a glass of water to see if it’s hot or cold. You put a tiny part of yourself into the vessel, and when you bring it back out, you’ve gained all the experiences it had.

“You’ve been in a human for the last 48 years, so you haven’t stretched out yet and felt the rest of your immense consciousness. If we hung out here for long enough, you’d start remembering everything. But there’s no point to doing that between each life.”

“How many times have I been reincarnated, then?”

“Oh lots. Lots and lots. An in to lots of different lives.” I said. “This time around, you’ll be a Chinese peasant girl in 540 AD.”

“Wait, what?” You stammered. “You’re sending me back in time?”

“Well, I guess technically. Time, as you know it, only exists in your universe. Things are different where I come from.”

“Where you come from?” You said.

“Oh sure,” I explained “I come from somewhere. Somewhere else. And there are others like me. I know you’ll want to know what it’s like there, but honestly you wouldn’t understand.”

“Oh,” you said, a little let down. “But wait. If I get reincarnated to other places in time, I could have interacted with myself at some point.”

“Sure. Happens all the time. And with both lives only aware of their own lifespan you don’t even know it’s happening.”

“So what’s the point of it all?”

“Seriously?” I asked. “Seriously? You’re asking me for the meaning of life? Isn’t that a little stereotypical?”

“Well it’s a reasonable question,” you persisted.

I looked you in the eye. “The meaning of life, the reason I made this whole universe, is for you to mature.”

“You mean mankind? You want us to mature?”

“No, just you. I made this whole universe for you. With each new life you grow and mature and become a larger and greater intellect.”

“Just me? What about everyone else?”

“There is no one else,” I said. “In this universe, there’s just you and me.”

You stared blankly at me. “But all the people on earth…”

“All you. Different incarnations of you.”

“Wait. I’m everyone!?”

“Now you’re getting it,” I said, with a congratulatory slap on the back.

“I’m every human being who ever lived?”

“Or who will ever live, yes.”

“I’m Abraham Lincoln?”

“And you’re John Wilkes Booth, too,” I added.

“I’m Hitler?” You said, appalled.

“And you’re the millions he killed.”

“I’m Jesus?”

“And you’re everyone who followed him.”

You fell silent.

“Every time you victimized someone,” I said, “you were victimizing yourself. Every act of kindness you’ve done, you’ve done to yourself. Every happy and sad moment ever experienced by any human was, or will be, experienced by you.”

You thought for a long time.

“Why?” You asked me. “Why do all this?”

“Because someday, you will become like me. Because that’s what you are. You’re one of my kind. You’re my child.”

“Whoa,” you said, incredulous. “You mean I’m a god?”

“No. Not yet. You’re a fetus. You’re still growing. Once you’ve lived every human life throughout all time, you will have grown enough to be born.”

“So the whole universe,” you said, “it’s just…”

“An egg.” I answered. “Now it’s time for you to move on to your next life.”

And I sent you on your way.


Sometimes, in spite of my social tendencies and frequent need to be around other people, it is very, very nice to only have myself to pay attention to once in awhile. Alone, I seem to be the more creative, more introspective, more calm. Alone, I complete more, get things more squared away, understand more.

On the other hand though, I laugh more around other people. I plan more. I travel more.

I was about to start wondering which is better when it dawned on me that they are both equally good. It’s just in that fine balancing of down and up time where the delicate balance of true joy falls into place…it’s all in the balance, as it is with everything else.


P90X, Day One check-in.

I completed the Core disc just now for the “Lean” program, and am now acutely aware as to how much self-abuse this is going to require in order to complete the first 30 day chunk of this program.

I’m going to go shower off while I still have the muscular faculties of my arms so I can adequately use soap. And I’ll try not to vomit all over myself while doing so.


I did indeed have the best burrito I’d ever eaten today, and I’m not ashamed to say it was from Taco Bell (no onions, sub green sauce for red - that’s how it’s done, yo). The real question here, however, isn’t how such an amazing burrito could be produced from Taco Bell, but why was it the best burrito that I’d ever eaten.

Was it that it wasn’t screwed up at all and they actually followed my order request? No, although it was prepared to my standards. Was it because the ingredients were especially fresh and they gave me just enough Mild sauce to cover each bite perfectly? No, it was right on par as far as what’s considered to be fresh for good ol’ TB. Was it that you really can’t find a better deal for less than a dollar to spend at lunch? Nope. Although that’s typically what I have on average to spend on lunch on any given day, anyway, so I can’t beat it.

No, no, no. It was the best burrito I’d ever eaten because when I pulled up to pay for my order at the window, the teen-aged Taco Bell clerk told me that the woman ahead of me in the drive through have paid for my lunch already, simply because she “wanted to do something nice”. I was honestly fairly shocked at this and blurted out, “No shit. Really? *puzzled look at the clerk* …really? Really, that’s awesome. Really. That’s really cool. Huh.” And then kind of sat there for a moment, fiver in hand, stunned that someone actually had the decency to pay for a stranger’s lunch without knowing what they had ordered, and without expecting a thanks or pay-back in return.

I completely intend to pay it forward after my next pay check comes through. What a great idea. Maybe it will catch on in a bigger way, it’ll start a wave, and maybe slowly but surely people will just start being more decent to each other, overall. Think about it - people will naturally start using “please” and “thank you”, they’ll hold doors for each other, make eye contact in passing and say hello and smile. Maybe we’ll start being more aware of our surroundings and of the others around us and even when walking down the sidewalk leave the place a little bit better than when we found it. Who knows? It could have bigger implications and maybe even have a calming and empathetic effect on world-wide issues. Maybe?

Seriously, though, a burrito seasoned with genuine kindness is the sweetest burrito of all. So thank you, kind stranger. I thoroughly enjoyed my lunch today.


6 Days. →

In 6 short days, I’ll be starting P90X and I’ve never before been this excited to be doing something primarily for me and me alone. It’s a 90 day program where you basically kick your own ass for a minimum of 60 minutes each day…and during those 90 days, I’ll also follow a fairly strict diet, as well. Which means: saving money. Which means: little to no drinking. Which means: goodbye beer, see ya Scotch, it’s been…fun, I guess. I wonder exactly what kind of a change abandoning drinking will have in and of itself on my daily routine. I can only assume good things can come of it.

Also, I’m going to be refining my myriad of interests, and as a result narrow my focus on only the pertinent ones and the ones that will actually add an element of forward progression to my life, in an attempt to stop being so easily and constantly distracted.

What am I hoping will develop from all of this? A sunnier disposition on life. A better lot in life. An overall more positive and happier approach to life. To quote my amazing sister: you’ve only got one shot at this thing, you might as well go after it with everything you’ve got. And while I’ve previously agreed with this view, I’ve never really defined exactly how much of what I’ve actually got to go after life with.

Forward, ho!


See? I heal quickly. Good stuff. Granted, it’s not yet 100%, but the stitches are out, the scar line is already starting to fade, and the below-the-surface blood is dying down, too. The green drainage/cheek blood is completely gone at this point and the red drainage/eye blood has almost completely disappeared as well. The scar itself is still a little puffy, along with my brow ridge and the skin along there…but it’ll go away and de-puff eventually, I’m confident of that.
Anyhow. On top of that, I also feel like I’m coming down with an epic cold or some sort of virus. Did I mention I love DayQuil? Yeah. I love DayQuil. I’d have lil DayQuil babies if I could. And then I’d lock them away until I had to eat them to feel better. …I’m sick. Ah, double entendre goodness.
Anyhow, things are getting better on the daily. I’m going to start P90X on March 1st, as well as begin studying for my next cert (the tough-as-nails CCNA) at that time. Until then, I intend to get absolutely as little sleep as possible, enjoy life, work (of course), not worry about things I have no control over, and enjoy the company of my friends and loved ones. At least this way my brain and body can take a vacation, even while I as a whole cannot.
I need a road trip. Solo. I’m thinking Boulder or Manitou Springs. Somewhere close. Soon. View Larger

See? I heal quickly. Good stuff. Granted, it’s not yet 100%, but the stitches are out, the scar line is already starting to fade, and the below-the-surface blood is dying down, too. The green drainage/cheek blood is completely gone at this point and the red drainage/eye blood has almost completely disappeared as well. The scar itself is still a little puffy, along with my brow ridge and the skin along there…but it’ll go away and de-puff eventually, I’m confident of that.

Anyhow. On top of that, I also feel like I’m coming down with an epic cold or some sort of virus. Did I mention I love DayQuil? Yeah. I love DayQuil. I’d have lil DayQuil babies if I could. And then I’d lock them away until I had to eat them to feel better. …I’m sick. Ah, double entendre goodness.

Anyhow, things are getting better on the daily. I’m going to start P90X on March 1st, as well as begin studying for my next cert (the tough-as-nails CCNA) at that time. Until then, I intend to get absolutely as little sleep as possible, enjoy life, work (of course), not worry about things I have no control over, and enjoy the company of my friends and loved ones. At least this way my brain and body can take a vacation, even while I as a whole cannot.

I need a road trip. Solo. I’m thinking Boulder or Manitou Springs. Somewhere close. Soon.


Long nights, hard times. Everything that makes you feel tired. →

Stitches are out. I’ll post a post-concussion pic promptly.

Work was a…day, today. A complete day. My head, my eyes hurt. I’m squinting and not realizing that I’m doing so until I’m doing it for so long that my new eye scar starts to ache and I reach up and touch it and realize I’m still a bit swollen.

I need a vacation. A real one. One that lasts more than one night away, because those don’t count. It’s been about two years since the last one. I think I’m stir-crazy - the highway keeps whispering to me to just drive…drive drive drive

Long nights, long days. A lot of things have been making me feel tired lately.

Gotta get away…from you. “You” in general. Oh yeah.


Well, it’s getting slightly better. The arnica gel that was recommended to me seems to be helping a bit, too. And the more people get used to seeing me like this, the more fluid the stand-by jokes become, and the more new jokes I hear. Like:
“Wanna see a magic trick?” (Batman reference. Excellent.)
“So, you were in a fight for the last beer, huh? You so EARNED that brew, dude.” Yup.
And there was one manager who inquired about my facial mishap today, that when I replied with, “Well, I got remarried. (pause) And then I forgot the cardinal rule, no shoes in the kitchen. (pause) I asked for it though - he only had to remind me once (pause),” he just stood there smiling broadly at me and then staggered out of my office seemingly phased. Hell, Imade the jokes, laugh away. If you can’t laugh at your own tragedies, what else can you do with them (aside from learn from them and try not to let them destroy you to the point of not being able to feel anything deeply any more…I digress)? Hardy-har-har.
Anyhow, my head still feels like it has bubbling blood rolling around in it, and it’s a fairly painful feeling…so, I made a check-up appointment with the doctor for Tuesday morning to remove my stitches and make double-sure that I don’t have any lasting effects of a potential concussion…because I’m fairly certain I received one. Not being able to think clearly, stuttering, dropping conversation in the middle of a thought, occasional shaking, dizziness, nausea…yeah. Mild TBI at the least. My poor, abused brain.
On the up-side: good thing brains have a fairly high tolerance for injury and also have high plasticity. Also, I figure I’ll be a less likely target for a zombie attack - from what I know, they go after ripe, unaltered brains first. I’ll be a less-attractive target when the apocalypse comes ‘round. So, with my bruised brain and long legs, I’d wager that I’ll be on the endangered species list before a lot of other folk who’ll be competing for survival. Time to stack the odds even more in my favor and get my concealed carry permit, soon.
(PS - Huzzah for steampunk-esque vests and hair in buns. Good stuff.) View Larger

Well, it’s getting slightly better. The arnica gel that was recommended to me seems to be helping a bit, too. And the more people get used to seeing me like this, the more fluid the stand-by jokes become, and the more new jokes I hear. Like:

“Wanna see a magic trick?” (Batman reference. Excellent.)

“So, you were in a fight for the last beer, huh? You so EARNED that brew, dude.” Yup.

And there was one manager who inquired about my facial mishap today, that when I replied with, “Well, I got remarried. (pause) And then I forgot the cardinal rule, no shoes in the kitchen. (pause) I asked for it though - he only had to remind me once (pause),” he just stood there smiling broadly at me and then staggered out of my office seemingly phased. Hell, Imade the jokes, laugh away. If you can’t laugh at your own tragedies, what else can you do with them (aside from learn from them and try not to let them destroy you to the point of not being able to feel anything deeply any more…I digress)? Hardy-har-har.

Anyhow, my head still feels like it has bubbling blood rolling around in it, and it’s a fairly painful feeling…so, I made a check-up appointment with the doctor for Tuesday morning to remove my stitches and make double-sure that I don’t have any lasting effects of a potential concussion…because I’m fairly certain I received one. Not being able to think clearly, stuttering, dropping conversation in the middle of a thought, occasional shaking, dizziness, nausea…yeah. Mild TBI at the least. My poor, abused brain.

On the up-side: good thing brains have a fairly high tolerance for injury and also have high plasticity. Also, I figure I’ll be a less likely target for a zombie attack - from what I know, they go after ripe, unaltered brains first. I’ll be a less-attractive target when the apocalypse comes ‘round. So, with my bruised brain and long legs, I’d wager that I’ll be on the endangered species list before a lot of other folk who’ll be competing for survival. Time to stack the odds even more in my favor and get my concealed carry permit, soon.

(PS - Huzzah for steampunk-esque vests and hair in buns. Good stuff.)